Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Seven Sins

The screams were echoing in my ears,
the loud, vacant sirens of pain;
one pain of which i was the victim,
the other of which i was the cause...

they become louder and louder,
the thrum of my cruelties that made my skin crawl.
the fingers on my ears couldn't cut them out,
they penetrated into every cell of my soul..

the life which had destroyed me,
and the life which I had destroyed
I thought that the former would balance the latter,
but now, in the dark i sit alone
and the guilt from my sins so strong that
i can feel its stench,
i can feel its scorch- the fire that was burning me...

My tears had dried that day
because now, it was blood that i wept.
that slap still echoed in my ears,
the fissure was now a gaping hole- hole he made.
i could never fill that crevice except with hatred
that slowly burned away the very identity of me.

And when I had numbed everything,
stamping my emotions with ambers of repulsion;
a new life spurted within me-
rising from the ashes was a baby phoenix.

I couldnt understand what i should feel-
the hate for my lover or the love of a mother.
i ended with my fists clutching my hair,
hoping in desperation that i could squeeze the thing out...

And then- i let it grow.
a seed boiled before its sown was no fun,
so i let the seedling grow to maturity-
to a point where it can be burned in my sins.

It was as if i was on a bridge
one side there was love,
on the other-hate
my feet turned towards the latter of their own accord
my heart would have said otherwise-
but i didnt have a heart anymore-
the laugh that escaped me that day was a harsh one.

and then-the final day of my test
I had to make the hate win
a couple of pills couldnt do the job;
it had to be gruesome, painful...

whether i laughed or cried, i didnt know.
there was only one thought in my head-
his baby was dead.
only that my my mind wont let me realize that it was my baby too...

But now, i do.
and this realization wrecks me apart
even the holy waters cant wash away my sins, my wasted soul...

so, i sit in the dreary, dark cell of insanity
and hear the clock strike seven
and i wait a midst the echoing screams,
wait till my deeds become even...

this was shared at http://onesingleimpression.blogspot.com/

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I am going MAAAAAD!!!!!

Well honestly. School is due on TEUSDAY and today is sunday and its already SIX in the evening and i STILL havent started my homework yet. YET. and to tell the truth, i dont even know what the homework IS, period.
i am sooooooooooo sincere isnt it?? i know, i know. my stories of extreme sincerity is known across the seven seas.. :P:P that was a poor joke isnt it??

so result of not knowing and doing the homework- FRUSTRATION. well, its not that much related with homework actually, more to do with the terror of the school reopening again. oh God, i dont want to go to that shithole again. please. i beg with my parents, im doing so well sitting at home. i mean i attend all the tuitions, i do all the homework i score pretty good marks in all the tests, i eat properly when im home(well correction- i eat a LOT and it seems i have got a tummy too :P :P), i dont fuss that much on anything, and in short- i am a GOOD girl.

but, ah, the SCHOOL. i dont , dont , dont wanna go there. it feels like i m closed in a cage for six hours a day with people whom i think i know, but sadly i dont. i have never had this much trouble in UNDERSTANDING    
people. beacause i have always been the understanding one, the empathizing one so it is a stretch when u feel as if u are surrounded by strangers; COMPLETE strangers. and then i dont want to face HATRED again. a full 50 days without feeling any amount of regret, resentment and then going back to the same shithole and feel the same cartload of emotions that i dont WANT to feel is... very trying. but, i guess i have to move on.

coming on to much cheerful topics. im in love. AGAIN. No, its not Ray william johnson this time. No, no, no(imagine a naughty glint in my eyes) its Ian this time. (sushmita is doing a face-palm beside me and im LOLing :) :P :D) the handsome Ian (im beating up sushmita for laughing when i say he is handsome. well he IS. he is, he is, he is HANDSOME. BAS), the Hypnotizing blue-eyed Ian, the dashing Ian, the insanely humorous Ian.... sigh... the list just goes on and on and on... :) :)

for general information, Ian Hecox is another you-tuber and he has a channel called Smosh with his friend Anthony Padilla and this channel is the third most subscribed on you tube( the first being Nigahiga and the second being Ray william johnson :) :P) they generally make funny videos in it which are really really hilarious.
His other channel Ianh is basically his OWN channel where he makes two sequels- Ian is bored and Lunchtime with smosh. Anthony is also seen in most of these videos.

and regarding personal information- i LOVE Ian. he he he. hope my mom doesnt see this. i already fawn over him at home all day long, saying how beautiful his eyes are or how funny he is or how cool.... :):) and i certainly hope my brother doesnt see this for well, he will make fun of me and say "is it about guys yet AGAIN??" he he. my infatuations arent generally a secret. just a smile on my face and the people who know me will be like- "doosra koi mil gaya kya?? ab ye kaun hai??" :) :) :)

another thing of which i have become a HUGE fan- Leo's blog. its simply, truly AWESOME. and this word isnt even ENOUGH to describe his poems, his writings. the effortless way in which he writes has left me spellbound- and its a continuous process everytime i read his verses.
thanks to Antara for telling me about it. i really think my life would be wasted if i wouldnt have come across it...

here is the link, anyone interested can go there. rather i would INSIST you go there for you are NEVER going to disappointed... :) :) http://leonnyes.wordpress.com/

I was just going by my childhood pictures and i stumbled upon a few which made my jaw drop and ask my mom in surprise- "is that me??" :) :) so i though i would share it with all. and the best way to do that is posting it on my blog!!

Another thing i simply CANT get enough of are these positively WONDERFUL songs.
this one is by Hinder called- "better than me". i honestly get chills whenever i hear it. my eyes just pop off without their own accord and i relish the lyrics, the marvelous acoustics, and most importantly the way he says "what it feels like beside you"- it is, according to me- the best part of the song.

and this one is by 3 doors down(a band i accidentally discovered) called "Here without you". its funny that i should stumble upon their best song. anyways, this has found a permanent place in my favourites. the lyrics are just mesmerizing.

sigh. i guess i have to go now as i have to(howver grudgingly) do my homework. so till the next time(and i honestly dunno when is that going to be...) bbye!! be cheerful always and chill

PS: do check out the links i have enclosed here AND dont forget to see Smosh and tell me whether you like Ian!!

- the ever crrrrazy kirti :):)

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I said that your soul was gone
no one believed me;
so i shook my head silently
and watched as the doom caved in...

I said that the light you see
is nothing but the shadow of the hell fires-
the place you're going soon
for all the evil you did, and still continue to do.
but as ever,
you didnt believe me,
so i smiled sadly
and saw your fate closing in...

I said that the music you hear
is nothing but the dirge being sung
you didnt believe me when i said
that you will go the same way too- 
hanging on the shoulders of the people you dont even know-strangers
but you didnt believe me
so i pursed my lips
and became a spectator of your fall...

I said that the beauty you see
is the forgotten remembrances of the actual shine.
"All that glitters is not gold"
I said it till my voice grew hoarse
but yoy still run behind the mirage 
that plays tricks on your eyes
again and yet again...

I said the end will come
but no one believed me
so i sit ticking down the dates on my chart
neatly piling the good and the bad
because the time will come
and the judgement being done
on the basis of the good you did
which Alas! is so piteously few
that i turn my head away,
away from your cries;
the sounds that were scorching the skies...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

going off again :P

I am back to the green background AGAIN. somehow, the templates with trees and stuff draw me too close....
anyways, i am posting after a long time. i say long time cuz i ought to have made a post for my birthday but owing to the fact that i am so lazy... i didnt...:P:P

so the thing that made me blog again was my visit to the temple yesterday. it was after a long time and thankfully, it was quite empty. i found peace there- after a long long time- the kind of peace you can only find in a temple. it was good to squeeze a few hours of peace and satisfaction by going there. as ever, i was amazed by the beauty of Venkateswara Swamy and his wives. The idols were beautiful, but more beautiful than that was the FEELING of realising the beauty. it was again good to remind myself that there is Someone after all, to look upon me and the whole world and give what we deserve. it was good. really really good.

I came across another exteremely sweet toddler there- some friends of ours. the kid was verrrrrry cute, his name was Srikar and he was hardly of two years. full of mischief, he made his poor grandmother run after him in order to keep him away from the huge bamboo sticks kept over there. he was quite shy with me at first, smiling demurely, and playing a slight game of peek-bo behind his granny's back; but after a while we became the best of friends.
so needless to say, i took up his grandmothers, job of running behind him. he was quite fearless, he was running on the parapet  along a small hut like thing used for hawans and all. i was asked to do the same along with him but the ceiling was bumping my head(so i AM quite tall u see!!) so i told him that since he was the superman, he should  do the stunts and i will walk along side him. he was pleased with that and started running on his tiny feet, singing some broken pieces of a song i couldnt catch. he wouldnt let me hold his hand(he was the superman after all) until he stumbled once. he automatically reached out to me, and it felt nice- his tiny fingers clutching mine...:):)
he thankfully got tired of the game and after that made me visit all the small adjoining temples nearby. he wouldnt let me pick him up first but he did come into my arms as he had to ring the temple bell(thrice...:P:P) and after that, he wont come down...:):)

so... overall, i enjoyed my evening yesterday. nice and pleasant in an uneventful way and it was with a smile i came back home...:):) 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


She looks beautiful even when she cries;
but i  would rather see her beauty through her smile....

I wish she could read this,
see through those beautiful eyes obscured by the smoke of pain
and realise- 
doesnt matter who deserts her,
for i will always be there forever...

The inevitable fire engulfed her identity,
and what was left was only a faint trace of her originality
it was gone- her quick smile, her childlike anger, her soft soul...
charred by the ambers of cruelty, of hate

I wish she could read this,
and i could see her eyes filled with the tears of joy, exultancy
rather than the tears of blood, of misery, of pain.

i wish she would hold my hand again
and whisper in my ear-"Abhi i love your poem"
and playfully punch me before she dances away,
the waves of her beautiful hair bouncing on her waist...

but now its all gone
the expression in the melting depths of her eyes,
the innocence in her exotic smile,
the warmth of her hand around mine...

all replaced by a dull, abysmal emptiness;
echoing her screams in the walls of her heart,
with her eyes holding a reminder of what she is going through...

the brown of her eyes isnt warm anymore,
the fire has burned it out
no expression, no emotion
just empty blankness

but an unanswered question scorches me out
the unspoken doom-
the bewildered fear in her eyes scares me
as if she doesnt know who she is, where she is
and what did she do to deserve all this...

it makes me feel wretched,
that i am at a stones throw
and yet so far away...
that my hand is held out for her
but she doesnt even look at it- it is as if she cant even see im there

so lost, so forgotten in her own world of despair
i feel like a stranger, 
only that it is she who is turned into a stranger
and the ache of this realisation wrecks me.

the fire took away her everything
the biggest irony is that it took away my everything too
i wish she could read this
and understand that with every step she is taking forward to lose herself
she is making me go the same way too
making me go the same way too...

the sirens of the ambulance ring out
and i see her hyperventilate,
it makes me desperate to see that 
when she is finally reaching out to me,
i can do nothing to stop her fate...

she screams,
only that no one can hear it except me
for its all wordless,
for the burning in her eyes is more loud than her unspoken words...

they drag her away, 
with words of comfort mean nothing to her
for she had lost everything she loved in that fire,
in that fire that never stop to burn away the thing I  loved too...

i caught her hand at the last moment,
her tiny palm was steel cold
but the way those cold fetters gripped my fingers
made me wish i could scream "i am the one she needs..."

 words die in my throat...
she finally freed herself from them
i saw her more alive than she was in weeks as she came to me
and whispered
"i dont want to go Abhi, i want to stay here...pl..please... stop them...st..stop..."
yes, i wanted to shout;
yes, i wont let them take you away... but my voice betrayed me again; yet again...

it was with finality they came and pulled her away,
and this time, this time she didnt protest
her tiny figure was slumped with resignation, with acceptance,
that her fate was a combination of all the worst of this world.

she turned for the last time
but she wasnt even an echo of the girl i knew
her eyes, finally were dead.
after all the struggle, all the war, they were dead.

i saw her retreating back once more,
only that there were no beautiful curls bouncing with joy,
grief overpowers me,
and i slump to the ground...
hands to my face...
wishing, just wishing she would come back
and read this
and know,
that i was losing the light of my life
for i was always afraid of the dark
and she was the one who served as an incandescence.....