Monday, January 31, 2011

A new attempt- my inner voice

Emo and Rudy are back again. This time bickering about the recent double stupidity I had done. Ok, so I missed the interactive session- big deal. No, the problem is that in the after sight it does seem like a big deal. “why the hell did you miss it then??” they both scream at me. I hate it when they do this. Join forces and scream at me collectively. ‘I was studying’ I murmur. But very silently. Cuz they know it as well as me how much I had read since the morning that day. “Oho, just look at this. The great physics pioneer was STUDYING at home. Whom are you kidding” Rudy squeals. Ok, so the jibe about physics was a bit too much because everyone knows about my LOVE for physics (to put it sarcastically). Thankfully Emo comes to my rescue this time. “It’s not entirely her fault you know. She did want to go. But when Mam didn’t call she didn’t go” ‘thanks’ I say sourly. “Don’t you use that tone on me girl, this doesn’t mean I have forgiven me for your other stupidity” she fires back. “if you don’t mind dear, lets come back to that point later” Rudy says sweetly. I raise my eyebrow. ‘Dear’. Humph. You should look at the way they fight all the time.

 “So where was i? Ah yes. Why the hell are you moping TWO days after the actual thing happened?? And that too about a thing that is not going to come back”. Unintentionally Rudy hit the nail on its head. It’s NOT going to come back. I almost wept in frustration. “I think I know the reason” Emo piped up. “Arpita came around today and announced all the crap and since then this fool is not able to concentrated on anything accept that. Otherwise weren’t we all blissfully unaware of what happened there?”

Rudy glares at me. I hung my head in shame. I knew what was going on in her head. We very well knew what arpita had said and my ACTUAL reason for moping. But they were kind enough not to mention it and embarrass me. After all they were a part of me. The same thing hurt us all the time. Emo pats my shoulder sympathetically (imaginary of course. Or my inner SOUL can’t touch me!!). “come on. Forget about it. Its not really worth all your pondering and thoughts. You didn’t miss anything. And the thing that’s bothering you, you didn’t really need it. Do you??” I shook my head ‘But….’ I start to speak when rudy interrupts me” ya ya we all know, you are feeling bad and sad and mad and etc etc.. but accept it dear u missed it. End of the story.”

Humph I guess that was the case. However mind wrenching they might be. I always felt light after talking to them. I opened my mouth to thank them but I stopped. They had another thing coming. And if they were going to be bitchy about it then….. actually there was no other option. You had to face what goes on in your head. And Emo(short for emotional part of me) and Rudy(short for the rude and bold part of me) only made it more easier.
I was waiting for them to start on the other big stupidity but they were unusually quite. I peeped up hopefully. They stood smiling hand in hand and said. “Let’s save the rest for another day shall we?”.  ‘Yeah sure’.  I said. Sighing. They saved me the guilt trip at least. But somehow I already felt better. These things seemed trivial to me now. What with the exam tomorrow and talking with my brother, Nirvana bhaiya; I felt light. I will ponder on it later. There were suddenly more important things on my head…. :) :) :)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Unreasonable feelings

I have shied away from the cloak of pain
and i don't know whether its a loss or gain
my mind is distracted, my heart is strong;
but i dont expect this to last for long

I have shut away from the door of emotions,
and i start towards reality with an assumption
that the enlightment i achieve would be far more,
so powerful that it can cover my sores

The hard world has driven me in a cocoon,
and i dont know whether its a bane or a boon.
my thoughts and words are pinned to my heart,
and i keep them safe in case they dart.

But the thrum of feeling betrays my mind,
I tried to stop but i ultimately find;
the fragments of emotions on paper,
and all my resolutions go into vapour.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


Its very unlike me to write something on new year’s eve sitting and reflecting about the past but somehow I wanted to capture the racing time and put down about the most eventful year of my life.

2010 was both good and bad for me. It brought along the thrill and tension of the class 10 board exams. It brought the joy of good results(in class 10 of course!!) and it also brought a huge wave of studies that has buried me under!!!

To speak academically, this year has shown me lots of ups and downs. While new frontiers of science and literature opened up, there was the pleasurable thrill of gaining new knowledge but there was also the vexation of not being able to understand something at some point of time. Some incredible things happened with me this year too…. Like the KVS scholarship; the CPYLS program and then the joy of our project getting selected for Bio- Asia!!!!

Class 11 also opened a new door within me- acquired and insuppressible insincerity for example!!! For the first time till now, I learnt how to chill out even when I hadn’t done the homework!!!

To speak emotionally, which I always do of course; 2010 has been the most emotionally straining year till now. Hundreds and thousands of emotions, feelings have been inflicted on me, each one giving a bitter sweet experience. I made many new friends this year and got a few old ones back. And if possible came more closer to my best friends and my other friends at school.

I also made friends with pain and loneliness- two things I had felt many times but could define only this year. That was very bitter and terrible in a sense but it passes. Life goes on. I also experienced old feelings, suppressed emotions coming back but it made me face the bitter truth and I’m glad to say that my best friends gave me enough support to allow that to pass too. In many ways these bundle of emotions had me unsettled and for a while made everything seem blurred and vague but it also helped me in a way. It helped me to write. I could pen down every emotin in words like I never did before. I can proudly say that my 2010 diary is completely filled with the exception of few pages. I filled not because of any obligation to fill it. I filled because I wanted to pen down simply everything and when I read it back I find that I HAVE written some good pieces of poetry…..
So as a poet, as a writer; this year has taught me a lot. I have found profound interest in the poetry of old poets like- Keats, Shelley, words worth, Longfellow, Dora singerson shorter and many more.

I have already dedicated this year to the “love of my life”. Writing. But there are some people whom I want to mention separately without whim my year would have been more dull and boring than ever.

So here goes: to my brother- whom I love and miss a lot; to my cousins- Phani anna, Renu akka, Anil bava, who made this year even more special to me; my best friends- sushmita and Arpita: a million thanks for their unlimited support and love; All my school friends- especially Satadipa, Suranjana and Sneha who made the boring classes worth attending. Other school friends like Shikha, Narmada, Tanamika, Madhureema, Sukanya, Dipa, Sneha(ban) and many others who made my lunch breas and tuition classes more interesting; My lost and found friends- Mustafa and Siddharth; My new friends- Mohit, shreya, debomita, jonaki, Riti, Antara, Chandrima, Shrayashi, and many more; My family; My dentist even- he is in the process of making my teeth beautiful…
I want to thank all you wonderful people who made my year beautiful, eventful and enjoyable as a whole. I love you people!!!!!!! You guys rock!!!!!